There is so much I miss right now and they are-
- My partner- I miss his company as with him working nights I feel i hardly see him. The 2 days we have together seem to fly by :-(
- My friends. I have some who live around me but now working patterns have changed and I dont see them as much. My school friend who is currently pregnant yet lives 2 buses away and I wish I could see her daily as i miss the company and the non judgmental chats about life and kids.
- My work- Even though I only work weekends, i miss the adult company and my friends there to. I miss the feeling of doing something for 8 hrs and the interaction with the public to. Need to sort some keep in touch days. .
I think once everyone is asleep I realise how much I am on my own and really need my partner around me to give me comfort and care.
Am I being a over protective mom??
Caleb is my life and so is Esmae. But I keep worrying there is something wrong with caleb. These are my worries-
- Weight - He is a fab eater but he is skin and bone. I am going to see how much he drinks daily as he drinks so much it is crazy. With me being diabetic it doesn't help.
- Ears- He is forever getting ear infections and I think there maybe something wrong with them. He is forever falling but I don't know if he is just clumsy. His shins mainly are forever covered in bruises.
- I think I may either speak to the hv or book and appointment just to ease my concerns. I know he is going through the terrible 2's but I just get this feeling something isnt quite right and I love him to pieces no matter how much he tests me.
- Maybe I just worry to much.
Diabetes!!
I really am getting fed of it , maybe this is why I am feeling so down and lonely. I feel there is always something I am worrying about. I know there is people far worse than me but I just want a break. I want to not worry what I am doing, if I will have a hypo and end up in a fit, I want to not have a pump attached to me and not have to change it every 3 days. I have started to get funny feeling in my feet and I really hope its not another thing going wrong. :-)
Esmae- I love her to bits and I am so proud I can feed her through expressing. This is the one thing that makes me smile right now. Knowing I havent given up and am helping esmae. I am currently waiting to hear about a hip X-ray . Fingers crossed its just precaution. I am worried about winter and hoping her breathing problems from birth won't effect her in the cold months. Hopefully breastfeeding will give her the boost.
Theres quite alot that is getting me down and its just a constant cycle. Maybe I should explain to the dr but then will he put me on more medicine. My mind is constantly worrying and I wish it would stop.
Here is my list of things I am happy about-
- I am proud to say I am still expressing for esmae even if it is hard work.
- I love my family to bits , I would be lost without them.
- I love my partner wish things were easier so I could see him more.
Here is my wants.
- To find a new home, I really want to be out of the flat now. I want our home, where we can do it up and stay there for good. A place for my sewing, a garden for everyone.
- A month free of no appointments, just days where I can see friends.
- I want my partner home at nights. I miss him so much. I want him here to hold me , kiss me goodnight and not worry if I will end up fitting.
- I want caleb to be ok and stop worrying about every little thing that could be wrong.
- A plan for my diabetes. It needs sorting I just want it to be easier.
- My final want would be a small, intimate wedding xx
Sorry for the ramble just needed to get it of my chest. xx Thanks for reading.
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